


The Dress

by sondeneige



Series: Hey you with the red dress on [1]
Category: Tokyo Ghoul
Genre: Fluff, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Human AU, M/M, Multi, Trans Character, Trans Sasaki Haise, there's both Kaneki and Haise for no reason just let it happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-11
Updated: 2017-11-11
Packaged: 2019-01-31 18:51:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,272
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12688140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sondeneige/pseuds/sondeneige
Summary: Haise thought he had figured out his gender years ago. Now everything is upside down and he needs help figuring how to right his universe again.





	The Dress

**Author's Note:**

> Beta'd by [midoriverte](http://archiveofourown.org/users/midoriverte/pseuds/midoriverte) <3\. Couldn't do this without her.

“You know,” Haise says, “It's probably a good thing Hide couldn't come with us today.” 

Kaneki raises his eyebrows curiously. “Don't get me wrong. It's not that I didn't wanna spend the day with him but you know how he is in malls! He has to try on every neon item in existence and it takes so much longer.” 

When Kaneki doesn't respond Haise glances over to see him smiling fondly, “Ok yes,” Haise continues, “it's adorable when he does that but you must admit this is faster.”

“Much faster, and this way we can go home away from all the people.” 

They lapse into a companionable silence as they walk relatively quickly towards the stores they know will have the clothes they need to pick up. Kaneki is surprised therefore when all of a sudden Haise is no longer by his side. 

He pauses and steps off to the side to look back for Haise. Kaneki finds him staring through the glass of a store display. “Hai-” Kaneki starts, but cuts himself off at the look on Haise’s face, one Kaneki can’t begin to describe. 

He approaches until he's beside Haise, looking at the display with him, a collection of mannequins wearing dresses. Kaneki’s brow furrows slightly, confused. 

Haise’s gaze breaks sharply away from the one red dress he had been particularly entranced with. His eyes meet Kaneki’s, wide with slight fear and alarm. 

“Don't-” Haise blurts out, “please don't tell Hide.”

Kaneki isn't sure what exactly he's not supposed to tell Hide, nor is he sure what just happened but he nods at Haise. Haise nods back fearfully and quickly walks away not sparing the dress another glance. Kaneki does peer at the pretty red dress, as if it can explain everything, before catching up to Haise. 

They do the rest of their shopping quickly and quietly, even for them. Kaneki tries to make conversation a couple times but it's clear Haise’s thoughts are in another place. Kaneki gives up rather than making both of them more uncomfortable and they head home, shopping complete but significantly less cheery than when they had arrived. 

\---

Kaneki sits at the kitchen island distractedly eating cereal one morning as he reads, his hair tousled and soft. Hide had left for an early shift at the coffee shop he works at a while earlier. He pauses in lifting a spoonful up to his mouth as he finally notices Haise’s slight pacing in the kitchen in front of him. “Uh, Haise?”

Haise abruptly stills, “I can't stop thinking about that dress.” Haise says, quietly, fearfully. 

There's a pause as Kaneki waits for Haise to elaborate, he doesn't. “The red one? From the mall the other day?” Kaneki asks.

Haise nods nervously, before saying in a rush, “It doesn't make any sense, why on earth do I want to wear a dress? I don’t like dresses? I'm a trans guy, I spent the first almost two decades of my life being forced into them and being dysphoric because of it and now I can't stop thinking about going back to that store and buying that dress so I can wear it? It doesn't make any sense I don't understand!” 

Haise cuts himself off, chest heaving slightly as he stares at Kaneki confusion and distress in his eyes. Kaneki stares silently back. 

“I'm sorry I don't… I'm not good at knowing what to say like Hide is.”

“Don't tell him any of this,” Haise says urgently.

“I won't, I haven't,” Kaneki assures, “I'm not sure why he can't know, but I won't.”

“I just-” Haise runs his hands through hair, “I'm not 100% sure that I'm 100% a guy anymore?” he glances up to gauge Kaneki's reaction, which is carefully neutral, “I don't know what I am or what's going on. I just need more time. Before I start talking about it. Plus,” Haise says ruefully, “You were there when I saw the dress which kick started this whole dilemma.”

“I am not the boyfriend who is good at comforting,” Kaneki begins. 

“I know I know and I'm sorry to ask you to keep this secret and put this on you. But I need a bit more time.” 

Kaneki restarts, “I wasn't finished. I'm not the good at comforting boyfriend but I'm here for you best I can be. I love you regardless of... how you identify and Hide will too. And yeah I'm not great at secret keeping or terribly comfortable with it but I can't even imagine how much you're freaking out right now so, take the time you need, as long as it's not forever. I won't be able to keep that up,” Kaneki chuckles dryly, “and I'm here if you need to talk, not that I promise I'll be good at it.”

Haise blinks away tears he hadn't realised had formed, “Thank you Kaneki. That- that means so much thank you.” 

He walks swiftly around the island wrapping his arms around Kaneki and burying his face in Kaneki’s neck, trembling slightly all the while. Kaneki reaches around and holds him tight, trying to convey the love and support he always struggles to put into words.  
\---

Haise rests on Hide’s chest as he reclines on the couch, their legs tangled together along it and across Kaneki’s lap. Hide absentmindedly runs his fingers through Haise’s hair. The episode of the show they'd been watching had finished and none of them were in much hurry to play the next one, each caught up in their own thoughts. 

“Hey so um, mind if I ask something?” Hide asks gently, hands stilling in Haise's hair. There's a long silence. Kaneki fiddles with Hide’s pant leg under his hands. Haise stiffens where he lies. Hide sighed and said, “Oook, look I know neither of you love communicating but at least let me know if this is a bad time.”

“Who, uh, who are you asking?” Kaneki speaks up, realising Haise isn't going to. 

“B-both of you actually,” slight pain creeps into Hide’s voice, “I feel like there's something going on, some secret that I don't know about and I just- I just. I dunno, I wanna know what's going on? Is everything okay? Is it something I should be worried about?” He cuts himself off before his nervous rambling continues. 

Kaneki throws a frantic glance at Haise who had started trembling slightly on Hide. 

“Dear?” Hide strokes Haise's back gently, “It's okay, you're okay,” Hide and Kaneki’s eyes meet over Haise's head, Hide concerned and questioning, Kaneki panicked and afraid. 

Haise pushes himself up out of Hide’s embrace, breaking eye contact with his boyfriend. He sits up on the couch between them and Hide pulls his legs in to sit cross legged, back against the arm of the couch, facing them both. 

Haise clutches his arms to chest, “Please don't blame Kaneki, Hide, this is about me. He's just doing what I asked and keeping my secret and being there for me best he can.” 

“Kaneki’s not very good at keeping secrets,” Hide says lightheartedly, “Sorry, babe.”

“Don't be sorry,” Kaneki says quickly. “I'm really not.”

There's another long pause. 

“I just- I'm just trying to figure some stuff out, about myself and I need just a little bit more time for it to be a secret before I talk about it.” Haise nervously speaks up.

Haise's gaze remains locked on the living room table as he speaks, blinding him to the hurt flickering over Hide's face. Kaneki doesn’t miss it and his stomach answers with a roil of guilt. 

“Yeah, yeah of course dear. Take whatever time you need. I'm here if you need to talk anything through alright.” Hide places his hand gently on Haise's arm, “I love you no matter what.”

Haise's hand joins Hide’s, “Thank you so much, I love you too.”

\---

“Genderfluid.” 

Kaneki jumps, dropping the face cloth he was using into the sink.

“Sorry, didn't mean to startle you,” Haise says, making eye contact with Kaneki over his shoulder in the mirror. 

“It's okay… um? Gender… fluid?”

Haise passes by Kaneki, coming into the bathroom fully and sitting on the closed toilet. “Yeah I think, I think that's what I am,” he says as he fiddles with his clasped hands

Kaneki waits for a minute for Haise to explain, when no explanation is forthcoming he puts his glasses back on and says, “Come on I'll make us some tea, you start explaining,” leading the way into the kitchen. Kaneki fills the kettle and after he hits the button to turn it on he gestures at Haise to begin. 

Haise fidgets where he sits, staring down again at his hands, “So genderfluid is where you like move between genders right,” he glances up at Kaneki who nods understandingly, “which I think is what made this somehow more confusing than figuring out I was trans in the first place. Because I _am_ male… sometimes… but sometimes I'm not.”

“Sometimes I'm female, that's why when I saw that dress I wanted to wear it.” He pauses, “...And I know, I know men can wear dresses and wanting to wear dresses isn't an inherently feminine trait blah blah _but_ I also know myself. I know what it feels like to be me, to be male. And I _hate_ dresses. That's this huge part of how I knew I was a boy when I was young. But I find myself wanting to wear ‘girly’ clothes, and wanting the breasts the fill them out and all these things that I worked hard to get rid of, and fought against all those years ago.” Haise sighs. 

Kaneki sets down the two teas he has made on the island counter in front of Haise. Before Haise can continue Kaneki nervously interjects, “Don't- don't you think you should be telling Hide all this too? I, I know you're hesitant and I don't want to push you to come out to anyone but… I’m sorry if that’s out of line, I just…” he trails off.

In the following silence the steam rises off the tea which sits in their respective favourite mugs on the counter between them. 

“You're bi Kaneki.” Kaneki eyes shoot up to meet Haise's in surprise at the sudden statement. “Hide is gay, h-he’s only attracted to men.” Kaneki’s eyes soften as he begins to understand. “You, you’re attracted to women too. You talk about how you find them pretty sometimes.” 

Kaneki blushes slightly, and rubs at the back of his neck, mumbling, “They are pretty.”

Haise gestures as if to say ‘exactly’ before he continues, “When I was trying to figure myself out I wasn't sure if I was female all the way and then… what about Hide? And now... “ Haise eyes meet Kaneki’s, tears threatening to form, “He doesn’t like girls Kaneki, and I’ve figured out now I’m female a fair amount of the time now…” Haise trails off, the tears starting to fall in earnest now. 

Kaneki takes a deep shuddering breath, feeling entirely out of his depth. He has confidence in Hide’s love but the reality of Haise’s words frighten him. He moves to stand against Haise hugging him close.

“Hide will love you no matter what, Haise,” Kaneki can feel Haise take a steadying breath, “This is Hide we’re talking about. If anyone is good at loving, it’s him.” They both chuckle, “I don’t know what exactly will happen, so I’m not gonna make random comforting promises at you, but I do know that Hide would move mountains to love you.” 

At these words Haise’s crying increases, wetting Kaneki’s shirt. Kaneki rubs soft circles along Haise’s back, as he quiets he leans over and grabs their teas, appropriately cooled now and puts one in Haise’s hands and takes a sip of his own. Haise wraps his hands around the mug, absorbing its warmth desperately. 

“I’m so afraid Kaneki, I know he loves me, but I’m still so afraid.” 

Kaneki stares at the ripples in Haise’s mug for a long moment before answering, “I know I can’t really begin to understand the fear you're feeling right now. And I get that it’s why you’ve waited,” Haise nods, “But Hide isn’t some random person who you don't know how they will react. He’s your boyfriend who loves you very much and really wants to know what is going on. I think telling him will only be a good thing here even though it will be scary. And I’ll be there with you.” Haise glances off to the side, making Kaneki very nervous, “I’m s-sorry if any of that is really forward.” 

“N-no,” Haise says quickly, “it's good, perfect, thank you Kaneki.” 

“I love you no matter what too you know,” Kaneki says, blushing at the admittance, not usually being so forward with his love. “A-and thank you for trusting me with this,” Haise smiles at Kaneki softly. Then tilts his head quizzically at the nervous lip biting look on Kaneki’s face. 

“What’s that face for, love?” Haise says teasingly. 

“Uh just, also, I think you’ll make a very pretty woman.” Blushes spring up immediately on both their faces. 

“Oh, th-thank you.” They both drink their tea, studiously avoiding each other's gaze so as to not just start blushing more. Haise sombres as he sets down his mug, “I'm gonna tell him, and soon. Maybe even tonight.” Kaneki nods encouragingly despite the sudden lurch in his stomach, “I've really really wanted to I just needed,” Haise pauses to look up at the ceiling and breathe deep, “needed this first. I hope he's not too upset.” He frowns at his mug concernedly, “I never wanted to leave him out of anything.”

“I think, I think he'll understand. This _is_ Hide were talking about,” they share a fond smile, “maybe just make sure you explain that part? About not wanting to leave him out? Maybe that will help ease any hurt?”

“Yeah, yeah I'll do that. D’you want to go read and cuddle a bit on the couch till Hide comes home?” Kaneki nods softly. 

They move to the couch to finish their tea and read their respective books (or at least, they try although neither of them get far due to their nerves). 

Less than an hour later Hide comes home, taking off his coat, shoes and bag at the door. When he realises the couch is occupied he flops onto the floor in front of the couch making a content noise at being able to relax at home in the presence of his partners. 

“There’s a chair right there you know,” Kaneki suggests wryly. 

“Nope, wanna be horizontal. Plus that’s too far from my boys. Just throw me a pillow and I can live here happily.” Haise passes Hide a throw pillow from beside him, trying to steady the trembling in his hand. “Thanks my dear,” Hide hums. 

Kaneki makes conversation about Hide’s day at work and Hide chatters about the more interesting of the customers who came in happily for some time. Tired but having had enjoyed interacting with so many different people all day. 

Haise can feel the anxiety which had been mounting as they waited for Hide slowly slip away, as much as is possible. All his worries about telling him remained, it was still a horrifying concept but hearing Hide be so bright and loving, even when he was talking about all these strangers brings Haise comfort. 

“Hide,” Haise says quietly. Hide hums in response, “I’m sorry Hide.” Haise studiously stares past Hide at the floor just beyond him. 

Hide slowly sits up, grabbing the pillow from behind his head and hugging it tight to his chest. He glances at Kaneki’s attempt at a carefully neutral (but clearly nervous) face. “Sorry for what dear?”

“I'm sorry I've kept you out of the loop of what's going on, I'd- I'm really nervous but I'd like to tell you now if now’s a good time.”

Hide hides his excitement and impatience, “Now sounds like a lovely time, as long as you're comfortable talking about it.” Haise nods firmly, “Then yes please I would love to hear.”

Haise closes his eyes and slowly breathes in a deep steadying breath. Letting it get deep into his lungs before slowly exhaling. Almost instinctively Kaneki and Hide mirror his breathing, it centers all of them and steadies them for the conversation to come. 

“I’m not sure where to begin but I guess at the beginning.”

“That always helps.” Hide says wryly. 

“So a little while ago Kaneki and I were at the mall, you couldn’t come with us that day, and I saw this really pretty dress,” Hide tilts his head slightly to the side, “it kinda jump started this whole thing because I couldn’t figure out why at the time but I wanted to wear the dress.” 

Hide hums encouragingly. 

“Um and so I’m still trying to figure out the particulars, I’d like both your guys help with that actually, but I-” Haise pauses to take another steadying breath, “I’m not just male anymore. I’m pretty sure I’m genderfluid, sometimes I’m female… a woman.”

Hide blinks in surprise. Haise stares at Hide, waiting for him to respond.

“Please say something,” Haise says slightly desperately. 

Hide reaches forward and puts a hand on Haise’s knee, “I love you dear. Thank you for telling me, I know coming out is always really scary but I'm here for you no matter what. You know that.” Haise nods, still unsure. Hide continues, “Can you,” _explain to me literally everything and why I couldn't know about this sooner_ , “explain to me some more about what you mean?”

“Y-yeah. Of course. L-like I said I saw that dress and…” Haise goes on to explain how he hadn't understood the pull to wear the dress, and to other traditionally feminine objects, especially after nearly ten years of being out as a trans man. After top surgery and testosterone. He explains how deeply these feelings frightened him because, “-Then I thought ‘maybe I was wrong all along and I'm actually just the girl everyone said I was’.”

At this both his boyfriends’ brows furrowed, Hide even leaning forward slightly in his desire to correct and comfort Haise's thoughts. 

“I realise that's flawed thinking,” Haise avoids his boyfriends’ worried looks, “anyways I'm not a woman all the time, just… sometimes.” 

“Do you-” Kaneki immediately covers his mouth as if he hadn't intended to speak at all. Haise and Hide look at him curiously, “Nope never mind that's rude, ignore me.”

“Go ahead, love,” Haise prompts, “I'd rather you get your curiosities out than sit there wondering.”

“I was just- do you regret it? Top surgery? Transition?”

“I don't.” Haise says firmly. “I absolutely do not. Getting that surgery was one of the best decisions I ever made and without transition I would've been so miserable for so long. So yeah, I've had moments recently of kind of wishing I had breasts or a more feminine voice or whatever, but it's more of a, wishing I could have those traits, rather than wishing I could have them back, if that makes sense?” 

Hide and Kaneki both nod vaguely. “Yeah it barely makes sense to me either, that's fair.” All three soften, smiling at each other. 

Hide puts up his hand, “Can I ask my potentially rude question now?”

Haise chuckles, “That seems fair, one each, go for it.”

“What changed? Like, why now?”

Haise’s laugh continues, “Good question. I literally have no idea, my only answer to you and to myself is ‘gender is fluid?’” He says lifting his arms in an exaggerated shrug. “I mean that dress is what made the feeling un-ignorable but now that I know what the female days feel like I realise I've been feeling it for a while and was just ignoring it and didn't know what was going on.”

“This must be some dress,” Hide jokes. 

Haise blushes and looks away shyly, “It's pretty,” he mumbles. 

“Cute,” Hide says, sharing a smile with Kaneki and making Haise blush more. 

Hide tightens his grip on the pillow still on his lap and says, “We don't… have to talk about this now if you don't want but is there a reason you didn't tell me till just now but Kaneki knew before, other than just that he was there when you saw the dress?”

Haise whines almost silently, “Yeah we can, we should talk about it,” his breath quickens and he struggles to regulate it. 

Kaneki moves closer to Haise on the couch so he can run his hand along his back gently. Hide looks away. 

“I was scared to tell you Hide, I'm sorry I know I should have anyways, I know the fear isn't entirely logical but I was, I still kind of am.”

“But not scared to tell Kaneki?” Haise flinches, Kaneki stomach lurches and he carefully avoids Hide’s eyes. “Sorry, came out harsher than intended-”

“I was scared to tell him. But... Yes less scared to tell him.”

Hide nods, “Okay,” he breaks eye contact with Haise afraid he won't be able to hold back the tears threatening to form. “What, um, what did I do to make you frightened of me, Haise?” 

_Hide never uses our names where he could use something sappy_ , Kaneki notices in alarm. 

“No no, Hide no it's not anything you did, you haven't done anything, it's what you are.”

Hide’s head snaps up, the barely withheld tears breaking free, “What?” he says in a strangled voice, “I don't-”

“Shit, sunshine, no,” Haise uses their most sappy pet name for Hide almost pleadingly as he slides off the couch and embraces him, “No please don't cry, that didn't come out right I'm sorry.”

“Can you just explain please.” Hide asks, his voice breaking slightly on the last word.

Haise sits back but leaves his arms loosely resting around Hide. “I was afraid you wouldn't be attracted me me anymore, when I'm a woman, I'm afraid you won't be attracted to me, because you're gay.” 

“Oh.” Hide says with sudden clarity, “Oh, I mean, I _am_ real gay. Haise, regardless of how you identify I will always love you.” Tears to match Hide’s well in Haise’s eyes. 

“That's, that's basically exactly what Kaneki said.” Haise says. 

“Smart man, Kaneki.”

“He is.” Haise smiles softly up at Kaneki, “I’m so sorry Hide, I know this complicates things for you, Kaneki is bi, he already likes women, but for you…” 

Hide turns to face Haise directly, gently cupping his face in his hands. “Haise you listen to me good okay?” Haise nods weakly. “I understand why you're afraid, my dear, but this isn't about me, this is about you. I'll figure it out, don't worry about me, worry about you right now alright?” 

Haise nods uncertainly, “Thank you Hide, not sure I’ll be able to achieve that but I’ll try.” Haise takes a deep breath and looks Hide dead in the eyes before continuing, “I love you so much Hide, and I trust you I really do I promise, just as much as I trust Kaneki,” a glance up to Kaneki, “But it’s like the ground was taken out from under my feet. Took me a bit to figure out what on earth to do with it.” 

Hide nods gently and takes Haise’s hands in his, “Come on let’s go join our boy on the couch he looks lonely up there,” Haise chuckles and stands with Hide. Hide settles down on the couch slightly beside Kaneki and then pulls Haise down so he is half settled between them, half in their laps. “Yes, good, much better, now we can all cuddle,” Hide says as he wiggles his arms around as far around them both as he can manage. Kaneki pauses for a second before reaching out and doing the same, arms reaching towards Hide. 

Kaneki clears his throat slightly, “I’m really glad that this… I dunno that you’re able to talk about this more openly now Haise, and that you’re figuring things out. I hope- I hope it makes you able to be more comfortable.” He tightens his arms slightly, “I’m not gonna lie and say that I’m not still a little… stressed? Concerned? About everything-”

“As you tend to be.” Hide interjects.

Kaneki shoots him a glance as Haise attempts to muffle his laughter. 

“ _But_ ,” Kaneki continues firmly, “we’re all talking, and I think that's the important part. I love you both. And we both love you Haise, and we’re here for you no matter what.” Hide nods emphatically. 

Once Hide is sure Kaneki is finished he speaks up, “Kaneki is absolutely right, I’m so so glad you told us, and regardless of everything else what is important is that you feel comfortable and can be the self you want to be, the self you feel you are. And no matter what self that is, I will always love you. Alright? Always.” He glances at Kaneki, “That goes for you too, babe.” Kaneki nods back. 

Wrapped all together as they are they all can feel as the tension begins seeping out of Haise’s body. “Thank you both so much,” he begins, “I know that this is still the beginning, I know that I still have so much to figure out, but for the first time I feel like it is going to be okay. I have both of you here with me and I know that you will help me through whatever comes. I trust that, and trust you both. Thank you. I love you both so much.”

**Author's Note:**

> Please let me know if anything in this comes off as offensive, that definitely wasn't my intent and I would rather be informed kindly than continue on in ignorance. This is my tumblr [sondeneige](http://sondeneige.tumblr.com) if you would rather message me privately (about this or anything else). 
> 
> Thank you for reading :).


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